If you’re here, then you must like smut and you must be smart. That makes you my kind of person. When Lady Cheeky and I were talking about some type of guest post/collaboration for the site, we were very much on the same page right from the beginning, with ideas firing off left, right and centre. It’s exciting to be in that type of conversation: two women, thrilled to be talking about sexuality and their minds. While we ping-ponged correspondence, she was sweet enough to wax philosophical about why she likes what I do. (What I do, in case you didn’t know, is make loving, sensual and respectful porn all about blowjobs.)
As she addressed the values of actually enjoying what you do, I got thinking. It’s all well and good to believe that people should love giving pleasure, but it’s not quite as easy as that, especially depending on their personal experiences. It’s just like anything else that you know is important and good for you, but isn’t necessarily easy to do. Sometimes your presence of mind is there and you are able to do it, and there are moments where it seems like it could totally become routine and eventually natural for you, but then something stalls and you feel out of place… Learning a new routine is hard.
So what do you do if you find yourself giving pleasure more out of a sense of duty than from a deep desire within? What if you don’t have that innate natural urge to do that thing your partner loves? Well, you have to give yourself some reasons, some time to ruminate on them and remind yourself that it’s a process.
There are a lot of good reasons to learn to love to give sexually. Among them, it really does improve sex. If your partner is feeling like you care about their pleasure, they’ll have an infinitely better time. And not that it’s all about quid pro quo, but (in many cases) the more you give, the more you get. Being open to giving pleasure fosters an environment that encourages that for both of you. By receiving pleasure, your partner is reminded of how good that feels and hopefully the cycle will continue.
In order to give pleasure, there needs to be a lot of communication, whether it’s verbal or body language or just feeling the energy between you. The more you unfold about the way they like to feel, the more you’ll understand them. Not that sex is always an indicator of the way people are in other aspects of life, but you may find yourself with a deeper appreciation for their little quirks… You may see more of them in everything they do by unfolding this new side. Having this type of insight can mean so much for a relationship.
There’s also a real sense of empathy that can crop up. That isn’t to say that you will feel bad for not naturally being a pleasure-giver, but getting close like this can put you in tune not only with their physical reactions, but with their emotional ones too. Seeing your partner in the afterglow of amazing sex can bring up so many feelings. It can be quite an incredible experience, and you really do get hooked on that sensation. Everything leading up to that moment becomes all the more exciting and necessary in retrospect, and that does help to shift into the pleasure-giving mentality.
It’s nice to develop a new skill. It makes you feel good about yourself to feel like you’re good at something, and making your partner feel amazing is one of the most beautiful and complicated things you can do. It’s not always going to happen, but even in the pursuit of an orgasm, you create amazing sensations. It’s an excellent self-esteem boost, not just for a job well-done, but for opening up and getting better in tune with this part of yourself.
That’s a wonderful thing. It does take a certain vulnerability to be able to really give yourself over to creating sensuality. It’s not just as simple as giving a blowjob or a handjob or whatever it is you’re trying to appreciate from within… It’s about accessing a whole different level of eroticism and connection. it’s a path to understanding yourself better, because you go through things and you think about your reactions and your preconceptions in order to get there. It may sound cheesy, but there is an element of a journey to really getting in touch with a way to enjoy giving pleasure and making that a part of your life. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it for everyone.
ABOUT CAMILLE CRIMSON:
Camille Crimson is the webmaster and performer behind TheArtofBlowjob.com and SlowMotionBlowjob.com. She also keeps her own blog at CamilleCrimson.com and has had writing recently featured on xoJane.com, GoodMenProject.com and has a weekly advice column on Fleshbot.com. She believes that blowjobs can be sensual, connected and fun and that porn can truly be beautiful.