Oh, it’s Valentine’s Day again (sigh). For some it’s just another day of the week, for others it reminds them of how alone they are and yet for some frisky couples, it can be the sexiest holiday they celebrate all year. But for us cynics, we like to remind ourselves of the dubious origins of Valentine’s Day and its dark and stupid past. Some speculate that the “roman-tic” Romans, got drunk and naked between February 13th and 15th celebrating the Feast of Lupercalia. They danced, and ate and drank, then killed dogs and goats. Subsequently, they beat their women with the hydes of those dogs and goats, in a misguided attempt at making those women more fertile. Believe it or not, women actually lined up for this honor. Of course, AFTER the beatings there was a Lupercalia Social, a matchmaking raffle where these newly coupled couples, would couple for a couple of days.
Oh, those knuckleheads! The fun they must’ve had! Later on, Emperor Claudius II killed two martyrs by the name of Valentine on February 14th. The Catholic Church, not to waste an opportunity to stick it to “the man”, named February 14th “St. Valentine’s Day” … a day of remembrance. Truly, it was one of the most passive aggressive moves against the government in history.
At the same time, in another part of the world, a people called the Normans were celebrating “Galatin’s Day,” a day of celebrating (not beating, but celebrating) women and love. Later, the Pope (Gelasius) eventually merged the Feast of Lupercalia aka Valentine’s Day … and you know, “Galatin” sounded like “Valentine” … you get the picture.
Now, because of some ancient domestic assaultive rituals, willy-nilly capital punishment and, of course, the Catholic Church, we have a whole 24 hours in which we celebrate the delights of being in love and the multi-billion dollar industry it spawned. It makes perfect sense, right? Are you turned on yet? Good.
What’s my point? Good question. I guess it’s that we should feel grateful that we celebrate the modernized version and not the original Feast of Lupercalia. And to further drive a forced, non-sequitur segue home, I will help you have fun on this holiday of candy and musical Justin Beiber Valentine’s Day cards, with my own list of what I think are the bee’s knees of Valentine’s Day gifts for you and your honey. I promise you, it will be better than dead goats and public hangings:
Sex in the Shower: Sex in the shower always looks great in the movies. There’s no mascara running down the gal’s face, her partner’s hair is always perfect and they NEVER seem to have to negotiate odd angles, slippery tubs, application of lube or a condom or placement of limbs. This is precisely why I do not have sex in the shower … unless I’m too drunk to care. But, behold! Someone has thought about all those issues and made products to facilitate your lovemaking in the shower, like, suction footrests and handles that don’t budge, Suction cups with straps to hold on to so you can balance or engage in a little “restraint,” there’s also a friction’ loofah with a vibrator in it! Seriously, what are you waiting for?
jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: I don’t know about you but I like my sex education sexy. Thank goodness Wicked feels the same way, they have a fantastic sex educational DVD series with famed adult film star and sex educator, jessica drake called, jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex. Watching this series of instructional DVD’s on fellatio, threesomes, anal sex, positions and more is like watching porn AND learning something. We all know that porn is NOT real sex, but in jessica drake’s comprehensive collection, she speaks to couples about what they like in the sac and then those same couples demo the acts in full HD. If your partner is a little shy about porn or even talking about sex, this might be a way to go. Get one title or the whole series, either way, you can’t go wrong.
Liberator Wedge & Fascinator Velvish Throe: Sex is fun … and it’s more fun when you can try different positions with ease. I’ve loved my Liberator Wedge for a while now with its super firm, furniture grade foam. Bend over it for doggie-style, put it under your hips for oral, and lay on top of it for anal, under the knees to support your back and your partner on top – there are many different ways to use the Whirl. The best part? It comes in a bunch of colors to match your bed so it matches most spaces. The Liberator ‘Throe'(sic) is a sexy water-proof throw to put under you two when you’re having sex. It protects any surface from the mess and clean-up that can sometimes come from a night of lovin’. When you’re done toss it in the washer instead of your sheets! The Throe looks like any other luxe blanket and also comes in a multitude of colors to match your aesthetic. Place them both on your bed and no one will be the wiser, they just look just like any other decorator pillow and a throw!
Clone-A-Willy Kit: Yup, this is exactly what you think it is. If your partner has a good sense of humor, this might be the perfect gift for him. The description on the website states: “These are the same top quality materials being used throughout Hollywood to create amazing props and special effects.” Wow! Special effect penis! They even make one you can do in chocolate! I defy you to think of a reason NOT to buy this. I mean, think of the oral possibilities!
Curvy Girl Sex: 110 Body-Positive Positions to Empower Your Sex Life: I can’t do a Valentine’s Day product list without adding my own book. Don’t let the title fool you. This book contains positions for all genders and even some for pregnant people. There’s also helpful information on pleasure based sex-ed and on how to rev up your engine and get in the right mindset for delicious, exciting and curvy sex!Share Me: via @TheElleChase