IT’S NOT SEX-ED BUT, WHAT IT TAUGHT ME IS JUST AS VALUABLE

Some years ago, after leaving a sexless marriage, I had come to the sobering realization I had never experienced “passion.” In fact, I had never identified myself as a sexual being at all and furthermore, never had pleasurable sex. I ruminated over this discovery, and stunned, thought “how is it possible to reach my 40’s never enjoying sex?” The thought was staggering, “This can’t go on” I said with determination, and made it my number one goal to achieve a fully realized and satisfied sex life … and fast.

But what’s a middle-aged woman to do? I was well past the age when most women experiment, I hadn’t dated in ten years, and to be honest, “dating” wasn’t interesting to me … unbridled, sweaty, sticky, lustful sex was. I was overwhelmed with what it would take to reach my goal. Where do I even start? I’m not even certain what turns me on! Yet, I was parched after years in the desert. I needed to take out the big guns. So, I took the leap. Contrite, I logged online, searched “porn,” and began looking for a tall glass of water.

The Internet offered many choices; gonzo porn, amateur porn, feminist porn, fetish porn, lesbian and gay porn, couples porn, niche porn, beautiful porn, and just plain old regular “porny” porn. It was graphic, overwhelming, and at the time, shocking. Nonetheless, I noticed it was starting to work. My body temperature was rising. I was squirming in my seat and tingly all over. I was becoming aroused. Soon, I was well on my way to scratching that proverbial itch.

I was surprised to realize that I had some shame about being so turned on by pornography. Sure, masturbating to it felt freeing and vitalizing, but it also felt dirty. I was a feminist born and bred, and the old myopic stigma of pornography being only for men, and a misogynistic view of sexuality hung on tight. Yet, I continued, I couldn’t deny that the more I looked at how varied sex could be … the more aroused I became. This enigmatic journey of mine had suddenly become even more confusing. Was I rejecting my mores by indulging in a form of entertainment I had regarded as harmful and exploitative toward women? The answer was that my previous judgments had obviously been wrong. I disavowed my old beliefs and committed to journey on and follow this path to my sexual pleasure.

After indulging in an eclectic array of sexual styles, I found that I had developed a preference for what was considered “porn for women” (eye roll) which was a more sensual and passion-oriented display of sexual desire. Though my predisposition had been readily available, traditional porn, this erotic, sensual, artistic, and passionate beautiful porn also had its place in my newly discovered sexuality. My sexual desire was forming preferences and my tastes were divulging themselves. Both breeds of masturbatory fare fed my lascivious side. I would use blatant, indelicate pornography when I was in a particular mood (when a quicker gratification was desired) and the tasteful erotic porn came in handy when I would have time to fantasize and ruminate over ideal situations with my future mystery lover.

I gained an appreciation and respect for the sex industry in a new way. In my case, they were providing a service that required the utmost privacy and discretion that had allowed me to discover a part of myself that had been hidden. “Thank God for porn!” I thought. Without it, I might never have realized that I even had sensual desires.

I’ll admit, I felt a bit ridiculous having come to such a conclusion this late in life. But the more I thought about it, the more I believed it to be true, and if it was true for me, then it had to be true for a large segment of the female population. How many women had I grown up beside who hadn’t tapped into the full capacity of their sexual side?  How many women had I known in life who had always thought there was something wrong with them because they wanted to feel sexual desire?

The further I researched new areas of sex that excited me the more I came to see how porn was usually divided up along gender lines. The more graphic, in-your-face, cum-shot adult entertainment was marketed towards men while the softer, yet still graphic women’s genre was less prevalent, but usually more artful, story-driven, and passion-filled. Certainly, there were people of both sexes that had tastes for each, right? Yet there was a distinct delineation between the two. Both types of stimuli worked for me but in different ways, and if we are, to be honest with ourselves I think the same could be said for other women and men alike.

Now, with many incredible, passionate sexual experiences behind me, I can say I have joyfully experienced both desire-filled, lustful, romantic sex, gritty, down on your knees “filthy” sex, soul-enriching tantric sex, and a splash of BDSM for good measure. Without the access and the permission, I gave myself to indulge in both porn and erotica I’m not certain I would’ve had the luxury of discovering my varied tastes intimately and in the privacy of my own home.

Today, pornography and art are seen by many as distinctively different. Though the opinion of each is subjective and has everything to do with who’s viewing it.  But to me, the two are interchangeable, just different flavors of the same food. To eschew one for the other would be like choosing only to eat one kind of food for your entire life. After allowing myself to be curious, and exploring my sexuality through porn, I discovered a part of myself that had been inside me my whole life but didn’t know how to express itself. It’s not an exaggeration to say that porn led me to become my whole self. By having access to view diverse kinds of porn on the internet, I was allowed the freedom to examine my own capability for pleasure

Today, I’m grateful for porn, for erotica, for my internet connection, and for my curiosity. Without it, I might still be searching for something I didn’t know how to find.