5 Things You Can Do to Improve Your Sex Life During a Pandemic
It’s a new year, and with it comes resolutions of all kinds. Some people pledge to have more fun, to say “yes” or “no” more, commit to having more pleasurable sex, and still, others may want to curb a variety of different habits or try new and exciting things. However, THIS new year is different from anything we’ve ever experienced. The Pandemic has affected everything about daily life, including our sex lives. Not everyone believes that they can help or improve their sex life sequestered alone or with their partner/s, but I’m here to tell you it can. So, since we’re all quarantined at home, with or without a partner, why not spend this marshaled time to improve your sexual side? This way you can hit the ground running when things return to something resembling normal … you know, after the Apocalypse. Don’t know where to start? I’ve got your back. Here are five suggestions on simple ways you can get those juices flowing again (so to speak).
Learn how to breath:
It may sound obvious, but concentrated and specific types of breathing can help your orgasms - go from meh to wow. The Kama Sutra, a very ancient practice of lovemaking best known for its myriad of sex positions, talks about the benefits of effective breathing during sex as being essential for the holistic enjoyment of sex. Rhythmic breathing throughout sex with full, long inhales of air into your lungs, increases blood flow, (and that’s a good thing for your bits). With more blood flowing to your nether regions, your genitals can get more sensitive, potentially leading to more intense orgasms. After practicing this type of breathwork, you’ll be surprised how easily it comes to you when you’re having sex with a partner. Barbara Carrellas, the author of Urban Tantra, has a Breath and Energy Orgasm instruction handout that works a treat (you can download it here). After you try the breathing exercise, go check out her book which is one of my faves.
Get mindful:
Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to nothing else other than what’s going on around you at that very moment. This means, no outside thoughts, worries, or conversations in your head. Easier said than done, right? By practicing being present with yourself or with your partner, and bringing your attention to what’s happening between both of you in-the-moment, you are able to pick up on more subtle clues about what pleases, and turns you both on. As a result of applying mindfulness to your lovemaking, many people find their orgasms (and the entire experience) to be deeper and/or more profound. The added benefit of mindfulness during sex is that it takes up the space where worries, self-judgment, and anxiety which can inhibit us sexually. Many couples report that mindfulness during sex leads to increased intimacy and pleasure at all levels of sexual play. Quarantining alone? No worries, using mindfulness as a way to enhance your masturbation practice is a wonderful exercise to explore. If you want more info on this subject, pick up Lori Brotto’s book Better Sex Through Mindfulness, to guide you, and keep on reading.
Self-Exploration
How do you know what you like if you don’t know what you don’t like?
If by “self-exploration” you think I’m talking about masturbation, you’d be right. You might think “what does this have to do with improving my sex life?” and to that, I say “everything!” Exploring your own body is the best way to find out what turns you on, and how, where, and when you like to be touched. Most people have erogenous zones - places on their body that feel sexually or sensually pleasing when touched, stroked, and grazed. Touch and explore your body, especially places that don’t usually get skin-to-skin contact (inside of elbows, back of knees, neck) or places you don’t think would be erogenous (armpits, wrists, between the toes), to uncover what your particular arousal zones may be. Everyone’s body changes throughout their lives, and so too may our erogenous zones. What you knew in the past to be a hot spot for you, now may have gone cold. But fear not! You have the delightful job of finding out where it’s moved to. Lucky you!
Pro-tip: using a little silicone lube on your fingers can sometimes elevate the experience by smoothing the surface of your body so your fingers glide, and not pull, across your skin. Warming and cooling lube can be a fun time too.
Try Something New
Maybe you’ve always wanted to try a little role-play or perhaps explore a little BDSM? Well, don’t let a worldwide pandemic stop you! Even if you’re sheltering in place alone, there are myriad ways to check-out you’re edgiest of potential predilections. Actually, take “edging” for example. Edging is a method of being brought close to (the “edge”) climax and then backing off, doing this over and over again, and then finally letting the orgasm explode. This can produce a really intense orgasm. You can do this by yourself or with a partner as part of “power play.” I’ll set the scene … consensually tether your partner to the bed with a good pair of Under-the-Bed Restraints like this one from Sportsheets. Proceed to pleasure them to the edge of orgasm and back until they are begging for you to relent and eventually let them come. You can even add a little sensory deprivation to the mix. By yourself or with a partner, play around with a blindfold, and earphones playing some music you find sexy. If you like a little pain with your pleasure (or you’re just a bit curious), this might be a good time to experiment with light spanking, gentle flogging, or perhaps a smidge of temperature play with ice or warm wax (there are candles made from wax and from massage oil for exactly this purpose). Want to learn about more of the possibilities? Check out The Ultimate Guite to Kink: BDSM. Role-Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino.
Practice Love Languages
Do you know what a Love Language is? Dr. Gary Chapman put together five ways we like to give and receive love, in his seminal book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. His site invites you to take a free, short quiz to discover what your primary and secondary love language is. The Love Languages are; Words of Affirmation, Touch, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Quality Time. Take the test and, if you have a partner, ask them to take it as well. Then ask yourself a few questions: What are your partner’s love languages and what are five ways you can show them you care about them using their love language? What could you do to up your game to let them know you care? If you’re single, practice doing this for yourself and honoring your own love language. For instance, if you’re love language is Words of Affirmation, verbal acknowledgment makes you feel the most valued. So, perhaps asking 3 friends to email you with one or two things that they appreciate or love about you, or what makes you special to them. Offer to return the favor, or better yet, ask them to take the quiz so you each know each other’s Love Languages. Copy and paste their answers into your phone, or write them down on a note for those days you “just can’t,” and need to feel extra loved.
There you go! Those are just five suggestions for adding to your experience of sex this year. I’m confident that even just applying one of these suggestions can make sex more intimate and/or passionate and help you get closer with your partner and yourself!