What is The Erotic Dialect?
Good question! I’m glad you asked …
Just like every person develops a distinct accent or dialect in the way they speak, in the same vein, we too develop a unique way of expressing, receiving, bestowing, and navigating erotic connection. Personal history intrinsically and deeply shapes an individual's erotic dialect. Over the course of a lifetime, we all develop a kind of protocol - a personal code - for the sex we enjoy. Whether consciously or unconsciously, throughout our lives we gather preferences, habits, communication styles and signals that shape our erotic experience and become our preferred custom for the erotic experiences we seek.
THAT is your Erotic Dialect.
For instance, maybe your Erotic Dialect includes having a preference for someone with a strong nose, a big butt, or a beard - these characteristics might be part of your Erotic Dialect.
Perhaps you enjoy a little pain with your pleasure, or the scent of vanilla and cinnamon drives you wild, those qualities could be part of your Erotic Dialect.
It could be that humor and intellectual stimulation has to be in play before your desire is stoked? That might also be part of your Erotic Dialect.
Does including particular words or phrases, non-verbal cues or sounds, even external elements like scents, textures, foods or aesthetics make you feel sexual and more in tune with your erotic self?
Bingo! The Erotic Dialect.
Unlike learning a specific language with all the grammar, syntax and spelling rules, The Erotic Dialect develops gradually (and most often, subconsciously) over a lifetime. The people we love, the media we consume, the lessons we learn (or unlearn) are all influenced by our experiences, social interactions, culture, and a host of other environmental and circumstantial factors. The Erotic Dialect evolves — gathering, and refining our erotic individuality and infusing it into our psyche as we go through our everyday lives. And, just as a spoken dialect might shift over time, so might The Erotic Dialect.
The Foundation of The Erotic Dialect
The Erotic Dialect encompasses several core components that most everyone has in common, and from which your particular vernacular is formed. For example:
Desire and Arousal Type:
A few years ago sex educator Emily Nagoski popularized likening an individual’s desire and response to the "accelerator" and the “brakes” in a car. For instance, some people’s desire for sex comes on fast - like pressing on the accelerator in a car. This is the kind we usually see in movies and TV, two people lustily grabbing each other in a burst of sexual excitement. Other folks are more like brakes, and may need to slow down to build the desire for sex. This could include time to feel safe, relieving some stressors or more evidence of desired. Generally, folks tend to skew towards one or the other, but in truth throughout our life we may switch back and forth depending on context or life stage.
Personal Preference:
Just as people have distinct tastes in food or music, they also develop preferences in what is sexually exciting, such as; personality traits, sensations, activities, themes they find erotic, think - kinks, fetishes, role-playing, BDSM, tickling, wordplay, romance, intelligence, wit, brattiness, fawning, and the list goes on and on.
Practical Knowledge:
The way someone enjoys being touched—or how they enjoy touching others—is as personal as a signature. In your erotic life, you will most likely add in the style and techniques that have given pleasure to your partners in the past, and omit the ones that didn’t seem to get a positive reaction. Cultivating techniques and styles that work for you and please another person is not simply done by reading a book, but learned through experience, practiced and delivered with the intention of bestowing the most pleasure upon your partner.
Communication Style:
Verbal and non-verbal cues play a crucial role in expressing desires, feeling desired, getting aroused, obtaining consent, setting boundaries and lots more. Like cultural differences in a spoken language, individuals have varying ways of conveying all the components that make up the kind of intimacy they like to give and receive.
… and more
Relationships and The Erotic Dialect:
Cultivating Connection Through Communication and Curiosity
Recognizing that each person has a unique erotic dialect can help foster deeper, more fulfilling connections. In relationships, learning or just appreciating a partner’s Erotic Dialect is akin to understanding a new culture. When getting to know a new partner, both individuals might appear to "speak" a common language of intimacy,— while you might have some commonalities in your dialects, it’s fun to explore how you differ. You might find nuances, and expressions can differ greatly from your expectations.
One way to approach this learning process is to imagine each person as a unique country—with their own cultural traditions, history, and language. Just as one might immerse themselves in a new culture by learning its customs, laws and topography, understanding a partner’s Erotic Dialect requires curiosity, patience, kindness and respect.
Getting curious about what comprises a partner’s Erotic Dialect can offer deeper and often more satisfying insight into their desires and preferences. It is an acknowledgment to your partner that their experiences and preferences are seen and heard. Active listening to their answers encourages more open, respectful, and fulfilling conversations about intimacy. It stimulates discussions about compromises, consent, boundaries, triggers, expectations, and even STI status. This strengthens connection and erotic bonds, building more pathways to sexual pleasure through vulnerability, and hopefully enriches your shared intimacy.